I just got a phone call from my mother

It wasn't about my father. My nephew was killed in a traffic accident this morning. He was twenty.

I haven't seen my brother and his family for nearly fifteen years. The last time I saw C, he was a young child. I remember how bright he was, and how interested in everything. I remember how he would grab my hand to take me to see his garden.

My mother wants me to come out there, and of course I will. But not for my mother or father's sake. I'll go for my brother's sake. I remember when C was born, my brother holding him, staring in awe at the tiny life that was now in his care. He must be devastated. He was so proud of his son.

For me, C left my life when I left my family. I have had a few letters, and pictures sent by e-mail. I sent Christmas gifts. But, really, I don't have an emotional connection to the person he was today.

I would have liked to stay in closer touch with C and his sister, but I could not find a way to do so without getting sucked back into the hole I was trying to climb out of.

As I got my life together, I kept thinking I ought to try to get back to my family, but never really had much of a drive to do so. After all, I have my new "family" here; sane, supportive people who I can count on. I have my career, my loving husband, a decent house and reliable car. Why would I want to cozy up to a pack of crazy people, who live like animals, and take a chance of getting saddled again with the baggage I have finally left behind?

Sad. But, that's how it is.

I'll go and offer what comfort I can to my brother. My husband will be with me, so I won't get sucked back into the mire. It'll be grey and rainy. But, then, I will come home again, and live in the sunshine.