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People get weird about things when genitals get involved.  So, here's a scenario with the same emotional factors as rape, but without the sexual content.

Suppose you really like quiche.  (you can picture something else if you hate quiche, something you really like)

You eat quiche a lot, and when people offer it to you, you usually take it.  You hang out on quiche forums, and have a t-shirt with something about quiche on it.

One day, someone you know offers you quiche.  You don't like this person, and don't want to accept a gift from them, even if it is quiche.  So, you politely turn them down.

That's when they get scary.  They insist, "I want you to eat my quiche."

Maybe your memory isn't too clear on exactly what happens next.  You do remember saying again, quite firmly, that you do not want the quiche.  Maybe you try to be nice and calm them down, and persuade them to go away.  Maybe you fight and are outmatched.  Maybe they have a gun, and, as humiliating as it is, you give in rather than get shot.

However it goes, they are able to physically overpower you, overcome your resistance, and make you eat the quiche.
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Does anyone here think this was anything other than a frightening act of violence?

If this happened to you, and you reported this assault, would you expect to have your own quiche habits questioned?

    "How often do you eat quiche?"
    "How many people have you accepted quiche from in the past?"
    "Isn't it true you accepted quiche from this person before?"
    "Did the quiche taste good?"
    "After you swallowed the quiche, did you digest it?"
    "Why didn't you fight harder?"
    "What did you do to make them think you wanted to eat their quiche?"

Would you expect people, including your friends and family, to make comments such as these?

    "But, you like quiche, so it couldn't have been that bad an experience."
    "Why are you giving this person such a hard time about it?  You could ruin their career!"
    "You were wearing that quiche t-shirt, what did you expect?"
    "If it tasted good, you must have actually wanted it."
    "If you hadn't been hanging out at the quiche parlor, this wouldn't have happened."
    "It was only quiche."
    "God sent this experience to teach you to eat real American food, instead of that French stuff."

The questions and comments are just as nonsensical in a case of rape.  Just because the assault, rather than being forced acceptance of food, is forced sexual contact, does not change the dynamic.  Rape is no more about sex than the assault I just described is about food.

Exercize #1:  Most of you probably read this picturing a male assailant, and female victim.  Try the story again, picturing a female assailant, and male victim.  Try it with both women, and with both men.  How do your opinions and expectations of the two characters change with gender?  Do your feelings about the questions and comments change with gender?

Exercize #2:  How would your reactions change if the victim had never had quiche before, and only had a vague idea that it was some sort of food? 

Exercize #3:  In the story, I specified that the reason you don't want the quiche is because you don't like the person offering it.  How would things change if the quiche was being offered by someone you DID like, and you turned it down because you really just didn't want quiche at the moment?
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